Thanksgiving 2018

I can't believe it's time for another Thanksgiving holiday.  I can tell you it feels like this year has flown by.  I guess it's true what they say, the older you get the faster time flies!!

 It's been seven years and five months since Kirk passed away.  This will be our eighth Thanksgiving without him.  As I sit here enjoying the smell of freshly baked pies and bread, it's just another reminder of another holiday without him.  He always enjoyed my pumpkin bread and pies that I make every year.  I wish I would have told him every day how thankful I was for him.  It's too late to tell him so I have decided on this Thanksgiving Eve to tell every one that I love and care for just how much I love and appreciate them.

I am so thankful for all my family and friends that were there for me and Emily during our darkest hours.  There are no words to describe how thankful we are for your love, support, and prayers that we have received over the past seven years.  There were days I didn't think I was going to make it one more second and then I would get a simple text that would say, "I love you".  It's amazing how those three simple one syllable words can fill your heart with love and encouragement.  I am so thankful and grateful for each and every one of you!! Your love, support, compassion, and most importantly your prayers mean more than you will ever know!!

I am so thankful for Emily.  She inspires me to continue on and to enjoy life to the fullest.  She inherited the best qualities of me and Kirk.  She is an amazing young lady that is so vibrant and compassionate.  I am so thankful that Kirk and I were able to experience being parents.  God truly blessed us when we sure didn't deserve it.  I am grateful for the nine years that we got to share raising a beautiful little girl.  I am thankful God blessed me with a man like Kirk and we were blessed as parents.

Most of all, I am thankful for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Without Jesus, I wouldn't have all the other blessings.  Without His love for me, I wouldn't be able to love so many people that have touched my life.  God blessed us with the greatest gift of all, Jesus.  In 2 Corinthians 9:15 NIV we read, "Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!"  That Gift is Jesus.  I am so thankful that Jesus came down to earth as a human man and sacrificed His life for us.  There is no better blessing than the grace and love He showed us when He was nailed to that cross.  His blood covers us, covers our sins so that we can be  reconciled with our Heavenly Father when our time on Earth is complete.  If you believe that Jesus is your Savior, then death is not the end for you. 1 Corinthians 15:55-57 NIV tells us, "Where, O death, is your victory? Where O death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."  I am so incredibly thankful for Jesus!!  Jesus is the reason I get up every morning and face another day as a widow and single mother.  Jesus is the reason I write to all of you.  I just want to spread the word about how wonderful and beautiful Jesus is to me.  Without Him, I don't know how far I would be in this journey that was unexpected and unwanted.

I know it's hard to be thankful in your darkest hours.  I have been there and know that deep heart pain.  I just ask that you take a minute and count a couple of your blessings that you are thankful for.  I promise that once you count one or two, tomorrow you might be able to add a couple more.  Day by day the counting and praising will get easier.  We find in 1 Thessalonians 5:18 NIV, "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Lord I pray that anyone reading this and is having a hard time this holiday will just cry out to you for comfort and healing. Lord I pray that they will find someone or something to be thankful for and they will start to count their blessings.  Lord I know there are so many hurting this Thanksgiving and I pray that you cover them in Your love and grace and surround them with loving and compassionate people that will reach out and love on them.  Thank you Lord for loving and blessing me even when I don't deserve it.  In Your Precious Name..Amen!!

Under Construction--Prayer Request

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 NIV


If you take summer drives in any city in this great country, you will see a lot of these construction cones dotting the highways.  I am so special that I have my very own construction cone that was left in my driveway by an AT&T technician.  It's become part of my landscape and now I would hate to see it go. 

It represents how I feel some days....Under Construction!!

Do you feel like your life has been under construction since you have been a widow?  I know there are days that you feel you can't get out of bed.  I know you have days that you can't imagine going another day.  I know there are times you feel hopeless.  I know you think no one gets what you are going through. 

I want you to know that there are so many of us that know exactly how you feel and also have our lives under construction.  We might be in different stages of our journeys, some have many years in, some just took their first step on their path.  Regardless where you are on your journey, please know that you have sisters right there with you.  We are wearing our hard hats and are down in the trenches with you. 

What gives me comfort is the times loneliness tries to take over is the truth that I am not alone.  I know my Savior, Jesus Christ, is right there with me.  Jesus came to earth to live among us, to experience a human life, and sacrifice himself so we can live again and have an abundant life.  Jesus experienced grief when He was in the midst of His ministry.  In John chapter 11 we read that Lazarus, a dear friend and believer of Jesus, had passed away.  Jesus left to go and comfort all that were grieving Lazarus and to show God's glory by raising Lazarus from the dead.  Upon His arrival, Lazarus was already placed in his tomb.  Jesus comforted Martha and Mary, Lazarus's sisters, and asked them where Lazarus was placed.  We get to John 11:33-36 NIV, "When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.  'Where have you laid him?' He asked.  'Come and see, Lord,' they replied.  JESUS WEPT.  Then the Jews said, 'See how He loved him." 

Two words sisters!!!  Jesus wept!!!  Our Savior, the Holy of the most High, wept.  He grieved His friend Lazarus.  How incredible that our Lord felt that deep pain of loss.  He knows that deep hurt, that soul hurt.  As our Risen Savior, He wants us to lay all of our burdens at the foot of the cross.  He will carry our pain and sorrow. In  Revelation 21:4 NIV we are comforted, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning, or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." 

Jesus is with us and He is for us.  He is there in the ugliness of our loss, and He rejoices with us when we start the reconstruction of our lives.  He has a plan for us, and all He asks in return is to trust Him.  We are to let the construction begin, let go, and trust. 

Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." 

He is right there next to you encouraging you to keep moving, to keep putting one step in front of the other.  "The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18 NIV

As you all might know, I am part of a local ministry called Peace Restored.  I am blessed to be a part of this amazing organization that reaches out to women in all difficult life circumstances.  I am the widow coordinator and work closely with our director Ann.  We are excited to announce that we are being interviewed this coming Friday, August 31st by one of our local news channels.  Peace Restored will be featured in a segment that will be aired later, once we know a definite date I will inform all of you.  We will also have an extended version that will be on their website.  We are deeply grateful for the opportunity  to let more women know that we are available to them.  But to also give God all the glory for opening doors that we never imagined would open for us.  We would appreciate your prayers that God will show us and help us to speak His truth.  We pray that He will give us His words and give Him all the glory for this wonderful opportunity.  Thank you all so much for the prayers!! I know we will definitely feel them!!

Lord, thank you for being with us through every season of our lives.  Thank you Lord for your comfort when we feel there is no comfort available.  Lord thank you for blessing me with so many amazing women that you have brought into my life. Even though we wish we would have met under better circumstances, You ALWAYS work everything out for our good.  Thank you for opening up doors that we never thought about.  You are so wonderful!!  I pray for our words during our interviews to bring You glory and to advance the Kingdom of God!! It's in Your Precious Name I pray..Amen!!

This Little Light of Mine

 

 

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16

 

I am sure just about every one reading this blog has some sort of solar light(s) that decorate the landscape of your lawn.  For Mother's Day, Emily bought me the above pictured lightning bug.  It is so cute and when darkness sets in, the lightning bug lights up my whole front porch.  The sun charges the little guy all day and at night his brilliance lights up the night. 

 

As I was enjoying the light one evening, I realized that we work in the same way when we are connected to God.  When we open our hearts to Him and let Him fill our hearts and spirit, we become a light for God.  If we allow God to charge us up with His words, we can then become a beacon of hope, love, light, and compassion.  When others see this light, they will, in turn, begin to want to be part of the light too.

 

On this path of widowhood, I have discovered that I will have good days, and then days that are filled with darkness and loneliness.  I am not going to lie, there are days that it's hard to be a light to myself, let alone a light to anyone else.  But what I have found is that when I sit and be still, reflect on what God has done for me, how He has brought me through some really tough lows, that light starts to flicker.  As I sit and wait on Him, I find that days that flicker turns into a flame.  I try to use that flame to help others that are on the same journey as me. 

 

I want my light, my flame to have a purpose.

 

Matthew 5:14-16 states, "You are the light of the world.  A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.  Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl.  Instead they put it on it's stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.  In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."   Being a light to everyone, no matter what I'm going through, helps me deal with my grief.  Giving light to others helps brighten even the darkest of nights. 

 

We must remember that God is light and light is God.  When we walk with Him and stay connected we will walk in His light.  In John 8:12 NIV Jesus said, "When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, 'I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."  Isn't that what we al need and want, to have light of life.  Jesus offers that to each and every one of us, no matter your circumstance, no matter the sin, no matter how you see yourself.  Jesus came for all of us.  Jesus laid down His life so each of us could experience salvation and light of life.  How incredible is our Lord, our Savior? 

 

So we must do as our Savior does every day, we must shine His light  brightly each day and give Him the glory.  Walk with Him in your journey and know that He has you.  On days that your light dims and you are looking for hope, the SON will charge our light and life to over flowing.  Trust Him, walk close to Him, and live in His light.

 

Lord, I pray that You charge us every day with Your light and love.  And in turn, we shine Your light and bless others.  Lord Your light fills my heart and spirit and I pray that I use that light for Your purpose.  Thank you for all of the blessings you have given me Lord.  It's in Your Precious Name I pray..Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Seven Years

As I was sitting at my desk this past week, I sat and looked at the sky.  It had rained and stormed off and on a couple of days so it was very overcast.  One day the clouds were trying to lift so the sun peeked through from time to time.  Just when I could see the pretty blue color with the beauty of the sun, dark clouds would cover the scenery.  I could see the jets that were just taking off from the airport and I envied them because once they reach altitude, they get to admire the shades of blue and puffy white clouds.  I was left with the dark and gray overcast.

This scene reminded me of my grief journey.  I have been walking this path for the past 7 years as of tomorrow.  At first the journey for me was all cloudy, dark, and overcast.  I didn't see any blue at all; the sun couldn't pierce through the thickness of my grief.  As time passes, I've been able to see more of the beautiful blue sky.  Don't get me wrong, I still have days and times that storms move in.  I have had  storms that ended up staying longer than what they should have; and they come more times than what  should  be allowed.  I can say with certainty that after they hit me from all sides with gale force winds, torrential rain fall, and pain that takes my breath away; I am still standing.

 By the Grace of God, I am still standing.

Kirk was my best friend.  We met at a little market where I worked in 1987.  We started dating in January 1988.  I knew one day that we would marry, but we did go through some hard times before we finally married June 1993.  We had a couple of small break ups, but one lasted over 4 months.  Those four months were heart breaking.  I felt so lost and alone.  We were suppose to be married in 1992, but instead I was mending my broken heart.  We started talking again right around the time of our first planned wedding and we started dating again.  In August 1992, we were re-engaged and were married that following June.  I look back on that break up and feel that  God was preparing me for this path.  As hard as that break was for me, for him, this journey is a 1000x harder and now I have a daughter that is with me on this path.

It's been seven years since I heard his voice in person.  It's been seven years since I seen his beautiful blue eyes.  It's been seven years since I heard his laugh, seen his tears.  It's been seven years since I heard the words "I love you" from him.  It's been seven years since I have shared my life with my best friend.

I know that one day we will be reunited in Heaven.  I know that God has not left me or forsaken me.  I know God loves me and wants what is best for me, for Emily, for all of us.  I know Kirk is happy in his Heavenly home.  I know that Kirk would want us to be happy and live our lives to the fullest.  I know without God, I would be totally be alone and isolated. 

Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV: "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

Joshua 1:5 NIV: "No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life.  As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave your nor forsake you."

Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you."

2 Samuel 22:29 NIV: "You, Lord, are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into light."

Psalm 63:8 NIV, "I cling to you; Your right hand upholds me."

Isaiah 41:10 NIV: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

I have used some of these verses in past blog posts.  They are incredible reminders of God's love for me, for us.  It's easy to feel alone, isolated in your grief.  The best thing you can do for yourself is reach out, seek help, seek others that are on the path ahead of you.  Best of all, we have a benevolent God that loves us, He is a good Father, Wonderful Counselor.  He is always a prayer away, a heart beat away.

As I have written in the past, Kirk's headstone has the following verse engraved on it.  Philippians 1:3 NIV: "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you."  I thank God every day for bringing Kirk into my life in September 1987.  I thank Him for Kirk striking up a conversation with me in November of the same year.  And I thank Him for our first date in January 1988.  I thank Him for our wonderful marriage and blessing us with Emily.  And I thank Him for all the wonderful family and friends that have been with us through this season of our lives.  Make no mistake, each and every one of you have played a vital role in our healing and recovery.  I know we will never fully recover, but with God and His wonderful plan to put each of you in our lives, it makes the healing process a little easier to bear. 

To Kirk:  Until we meet again on that glorious day of our reunion, please know you will always be loved by all of us.  You made us so happy.  You were an incredible father and a wonderful husband and best friend.  Until we meet again!!  We love you so very much!!! 

Silver Anniversary!!

 

 

 

Silver Anniversary!!

 

 



Twenty five years ago on June 12th I married my best friend.  We got engaged in August 1992 and decided on a June wedding that happened June 12th, 1993.  I had so much fun planning my wedding with the help from my family and friends.  It was a long time coming, we dated for 5 years off and on.  We endured a couple of hard break ups and one of them was for a substantial amount of time.  My heart was broke a couple of times while we dated.  When we finally worked everything out and we were engaged, I was so happy.  I felt so lucky to be marrying my best friend.  We were looking forward and excited for our future together.  I was truly blessed to have found Kirk.  He made my heart sing.

 

 

Twenty five years ago I would have never imagined that I would be marking our sliver anniversary without him.  I treasure the memories from the time we got engaged to the very last dance before the end of our reception.  Our wedding and reception was so much fun and I think everyone had a great time.  Precious moments that is engraved on my heart that I will take with me when it's my time to leave this world. 

 

On the front of Kirk's headstone I had engraved:  "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you." Philippians 1:3 NIV.  God truly blessed me when he brought Kirk into my life.  Together we were blessed to have our daughter Emily.  Every day when I wake up one of my first thoughts is that it's another day without Kirk.  But I remind myself how beyond blessed I am to have found someone to love me as much as I loved them. 

 

My advice to those of you that are married is to cherish each and every day you have together.  Each anniversary, treasure that day and remember the reason why you walked down the aisle as single people and moments later you left as one.  For the ones of you that are single, take your time and find that special someone that makes you laugh and brings out the best in you.  And when they bring out the worst, sit and communicate.  Always leave the lines of communication open.  We do not know the number of days each of us have.  And just like our story, your story can end without notice.  So please share, love, celebrate, and enjoy each other.  Life is far too short to make others miserable.  John 13:34 NIV states, "A new command I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another."  God is love and we must love each other and show patience and compassion. 

 

The past 25 years seem like a lifetime ago, but sometimes feels like yesterday.  I cherish each and every second of our wedding day and the festivities that lead up to our special moment.  I miss Kirk and this journey has been rough with twists and turns that come with widowhood.  But I know God is with me and will be with me as I turn to new chapters of my life.  Our lives are seasons that are threaded together.  Ecclesiastes 3:1 NIV says, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:"  In 3:4 it states,"a time to weep and a time to  laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."  Seasons of our life can be hard to endure, but God promises that even though we will have hard times, there will also be times of joy and celebration.  We just have to hold on to God, and have faith and trust that He will lift us out of our dark hours and set us on our path of light.

 

Lord, thank you so much for joining Kirk and me for 18 years of marriage.  Thank you for blessing me with him and then ultimately blessing us with Emily.  Through you Lord we found happiness and joy.  You seen us through some rough times but the joy far outweighs the bad.  You are a good good Father!!  In Your Precious Name I pray Amen!!

The Mirror

The Mirror

 

 

Unrecognizable!!

 

That's how I felt when I looked in the mirror after I lost Kirk  I didn't recognize the woman looking back.  I looked pale and lifeless.  My eyes that were always full of life looked sunken in and sad, no sparkle to be found.  To be honest, I couldn't stand to look at myself because the reality of what life had just thrown me was written all over my face; my eyes told the tale.  Women that were complete strangers would come up to me in public,  pat my hand, and give me a look of first hand knowledge and understanding. 

 

I am sure they were looking into a human mirror of their past of when they experienced the loss of their husbands.  As I talked to other widows, they also experienced the same encounters in public.  Our faces and eyes cannot hide grieving.  It's been said that our eyes are the windows to our souls, and if that be the case then my eyes after losing Kirk were deep, hollow, and dark. 

 

For a couple of years after Kirk passed, I felt like a stranger within myself.  I kept trying to find footing that felt familiar.  I was a wife and a mom and suddenly I was a widow with a child that lost her father.  I had to remind myself daily that this journey was going to be a marathon and not a sprint.  I prayed for direction and ask God to show me the path back to myself.  I cried out to Him to help me stay on the path that was anointed for me and to keep focused. 

 

In Proverbs 3:6 NIV it says, "in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."  I ask every day for the wisdom to hear His voice and follow the path He has laid before me. 

 

I also found Psalm 23:3 NIV helpful, "He refreshes my soul, He guides me along the right paths for His names sake."  Just knowing that being on the path that He has laid out before me not only leads me toward God, it also  gives me rest and allows my soul to find refreshment so that I can continue my journey with Him. 

 

Since I have been a widow for almost 7 years, one thing that is constant is that life is ever changing.  Life comes at you fast and there are stretches of time that seem relentless.  One thing to always remember is that God never changes.  He is the only one that is constant and never moves off course, never gets distracted, nothing surprises Him.  Psalm 62:6 NIV says, "Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress; I will not be shaken."  God never moves from us, He never changes. 

 

When your life is shaken, when you lose your footing; look to God for your foundation.  We read in Matthew 7:26 NIV, "The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had it's foundation on the rock." 

 

Storms will come when we least expect them.  Some storms will tear through and try to destroy you.  If you build on the Rock, and trust and have faith that this foundation will not be shaken, you can weather any storm. 

 

It takes time to get through these storms of life.  It will take time to recognize yourself in the mirror.  But I promise that you will get through the storms and the mirror will be welcoming again.  God is with you and loves you.  He will help you and never leave you.  Have faith and trust in God and leave the heavy burdens to Him.  Matthew 11:28-30 NIV, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

 

Lord, I pray for everyone that is heavy in heart.  I pray for everyone that do not recognize the person they are right now.  I pray that You will refresh their souls and give them rest.  Being a widow is such a heavy burden Lord, but we are shown in scriptures that You are for us and love us. Lord I pray that we all feel your presence .  You never move or leave us, but we do move and disconnect and I pray that we stay connected  to You Lord because You alone fill our souls and give us rest.  Thank you Lord!!  It's in Your Precious Name I pray..Amen!!

 

 

 



 

Year of Milestone Dates

"The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?" Proverbs 20:24


Our lives are all marked with milestone dates on the calendar.  We all have celebrated the big birthday numbers, or special anniversary years.  I remember going to several 50th anniversary celebrations for my grandparents and great grandparents.  We just celebrated my parents 50th anniversary this past February.  And of course we can't forget the big birthday celebrations, 16th, 18th, 21st, 30th, 40th....etc. etc.  We have all been to parties to celebrate with those we love and care about.

For the ones that know me and have followed my journey, May, June, and July are the toughest months of the year for me.  We have several birthdays, anniversaries, and angelversaries in these three months.  This year would have been a big year for Kirk and me.  This Thursday, May 17th, we would have celebrated his 50th birthday.  Then on June 12th, we would have celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.  But unfortunately on June 25th, we will mark the 7th year that Kirk went Home suddenly.  These big days are hard to face alone. 

Kirk was a great father, husband, son, brother, uncle, brother-in-law, son-in-law, nephew, grandson, friend, and most of all my best friend.  He worked so hard to provide for the three of us and always made sure everyone had what they needed, and sometimes what we wanted.  He wasn't too sure about having children but once Emily was born, she had him wrapped around her pinky finger.  He loved her with all his heart and always called her his baby girl.  He loved being a mechanic and was one of the best in Indianapolis.  His other love was drag racing.  He helped his uncle build a dragster and got to work on a top alcohol funny car at The US Nationals here in Indy.  He was like a kid on Christmas morning when he got the opportunity.  I was so happy for him and it was so much fun to watch him.  I treasure those memories.

It's hard to fathom that 25 years ago I was planning our wedding.  It seems like a lifetime ago some days, and other days it seems like it was yesterday.  Looking at our pictures now we look like babies.  So young, so full of hope for a lifetime ahead of us.  We were so happy and ready to take on whatever life threw at us.  Little did we know we would never make it to our 25th.  We had just celebrated our 18th two weeks before Kirk died suddenly.  I do feel blessed that we had 18 years of married life together, but feel cheated out of a future we had talked about and planned to have.  But as we find out, we are not in control of our lives.  Our lives can take sharp turns that we were not ready to navigate.  The whiplash fall out is devastating and hard to comprehend. 

And then we start to ask why..why us? Why him? Why?

One thing I have learned is that we may never know or understand the reason that Kirk left us too soon.  In Proverbs 20:24 we read, "The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way."  We will never understand why our loved ones are taken from us so soon or suddenly, but God wasn't surprised.  He knows what will happen, He is already there before we are.  Deuteronomy 31:8 says, "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  The Lord is already there and with us in our pain; in our grief.  He wasn't caught off guard on June 25th, 2011 when Kirk died in an accident.  He was already there, making a way for us to heal and to comfort us. 

It's been a long journey that has tested patience, faith, and trust.  Finding strength to get through some days is exhausting.  As time goes on, those days get farther apart.  You have to give yourself grace and just breathe.  Always remember it's a marathon and not a sprint.

One thing I want to leave you with is something I had heard on a national news channel one Sunday as Emily and I were headed to a soccer game.  I will never get into politics on this blog, but a reporter was talking about Barbara Bush and reporting on her health the day before Mrs. Bush passed away.  She said, "George and Barbara have been married for 73 years. I know that 73 years is a long time to be married.  But it's never long enough."  I sat there and I have to admit I had tears in my eyes.  I thought about how true that statement was.  Even though they had 73 wonderful years of marriage, had the highest of highs in life, and had lowest of lows; 73 years was still not enough.

 I sure do know our 18 years wasn't enough.  But I was so blessed to have dated him for five years and then be his bride for 18 years.  I know God truly blessed me on January 23, 1988 when we went out on our first date, and then on our wedding day June 12, 1993, and then the birth of our beautiful daughter Emily in July of 2001. 

Time is fleeting and it's a precious commodity that we can never get back.  Love while you can, be kind to each other, leave every person you meet better for having spent time with you.  Always remember that today is not enough time and tomorrow is never promised.  And most important, God loves you and He is for you.  He is there in our grief, and He is there in our joy.

Pay tribute to Kirk by just being a good, caring, kind, compassionate person in all you do and say.  Trust God and the rest will work itself out!!

Lord, thank you for blessing each of us with the gift of Kirk.  He touched so many and left holes in our hearts.  Lord I know you are with each of us and you are with us every single minute.  I pray that You comfort each of us in our losses and that we find strength, healing, and peace through You.  It's in Your Precious Name we pray..Amen.

Thank you to each of you for loving us and for praying for us as we continue on our paths.  We sure do feel them each and every day. Love to you all!!!

Can you imagine?

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love HIm.  James 1:12  NIV


Have you ever looked up the meaning of the word perseveres?  It means to continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success.  Do you consider yourself a person that perseveres?  Do you know and admire others that display this in their daily lives? 

Over the weekend, I had the pleasure of going with one of my best friends to see the movie "I Can Only Imagine".  I am sure that many of you have already seen this movie or at least know the story of Bart from Mercy Me.  It's an incredible story that resulted in a beautiful song that makes me cry every time I hear it.  His story is one of perseverance and resilience in facing his childhood riddled with physical and mental abuse at the hands of his dad.  His mom left him at a young age at home alone with an abusive father.  This meant he had to also deal with feelings of guilt and abandonment.  Not very many people could have bounced back from that type of childhood and become part of a record breaking Christian band.  Long story short, go see the movie or read his story, he forgives his dad and is able to write this incredible song out of his pain, anger, and grief.  Just a truly amazing story.

So on my way home while talking with my friend Kathy about the movie, a thought came to me about Bart's story.  Now hang with me for a minute...but if Bart did not live his life of abuse and pain; do you think he would have wrote a beautiful song that would reach so many people?  Do you think Bart would have escaped his childhood and drowned out his life with music?  We will never know the answer to that question.  What we do know is that God used Bart and his life lessons to reach millions of people through music.  Not only the Christian genre of music lovers, but country and pop fans as well.  Because of Bart's perseverance, his life story has touched millions of others and has opened their eyes and minds to God. 

We see in Romans 8:28 NIV it says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."   God takes our pain, fault, sin, anger,  and brokenness and turns it into a blessing for others.  My loss of Kirk has been able to spring board me into a position that is a blessing to other widows and their families.  My loss has enabled me to reach back and help others that have begun their journey of widowhood.  Would I rather have Kirk here at home with me tonight?  You bet I would!!  But God has a purpose and plan for me that I am not going to try to understand or know the reason why.  I know that when God lays something on my heart to do, I obey and follow His lead.  I use my grief and story to try to help others that are struggling and needing a compassionate ear and heart.  If I can help just one person see the love God has for them and help ease their pain of their loss; I feel Kirk's death has meaning and a purpose.  If I lead one person to be saved by our story, then Kirk did not die in vain.  This gives his death a purpose, a beautiful purpose of leading a soul to enter the kingdom of God for eternity. 

I use this verse a lot in my blog and I'm going to use it again tonight because it applies to our story so well.  Jeremiah 29:11 NIV, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future,"  God knows the why's and the reasons, we don't.  One thing I do know is that His way and path for me is so much better than the one I try to carve out for myself.  I don't understand why Kirk was taken from us so soon. I don't know why his life was cut so short and my daughter has grown up without her father.  But what I do know is that God has a plan for all of us and that I need to trust Him with my whole life, with my whole story.  I know His plans for me are  much more beautiful than anything I could do myself or dream of.  I say this to myself several times a day: His way not mine, His will not mine. 

I encourage you to use your story to help others in your life.  Do you know how much you will bless someone to just give them a few words of encouragement?  To let them know they are not alone.  Here's a big secret, you will actually feel more blessed by doing this.  It's an incredible feeling that is a beautiful balm to the soul.  I also encourage you to listen to the song "I Can Only Imagine".  Look up the lyrics and let the words soak into your heart and mind.  I cry every time because I can only imagine what I'll see and what my loved ones that have gone before me have already seen.  Incredible!!! 

My Rock

 

 

Psalm 62:7 NIV  “My salvation and my honor depend on God; for He is my mighty rock, my refuge.”

 

For over half a year, I have been sitting at my new area at work.  I work at a big hospital in Indianapolis but my job is within a doctor’s office.  I was able to move from a room that has no windows to what I like to call my “penthouse suite”.  I have four big windows that overlook our parking lot and our cancer center.  In front of the cancer center is a pond that has a fountain.  I am three floors up so I get to see the geese and ducks enjoy their water oasis.  I’m not going to lie, I love watching them swim.  Most days, when it’s beautiful and sunny, I envy them. 

Today as I was watching them while I was on hold with an insurance company, I envisioned their little webbed feet working hard to keep their bodies afloat.  On the surface they look so calm and peaceful gliding through the shimmering ripples, but under the surface we do not see the struggle of their legs and feet working to keep them floating. 

Are you like these ducks?  On the surface, you put on a face of being calm, peaceful, and joyful; but below the water line you are struggling and giving life all you got.  Are you hoping that one day your legs will catch up with your head?  I’ve been there quite a bit.  I have been below that water before and after I became a widow. 

After your husband died did you have the sensation of drowning in life?  Physically? Emotionally? And spiritually?    Yeah me too!!!

After Kirk died, I felt the pounding of the grief waves, the hurricane force winds, and the water rising over my head.  I had to find solid footing before the ocean of grief covered me and dragged me out to the vast nothingness of despair and anxiety.  I had so many family and friends that were throwing me life jackets and trying to direct me back.  I reached for them and they were able to help me maintain a float.  But I knew there is only one Savior, one person that could sit me on that rock.  His name is Jesus and He not only stood me on that rock…He is the Rock.

Psalm 71:3 NIV  “Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for You are my rock and my fortress.”

Psalm 62:7 NIV  “My salvation and my honor depend on God; for He is my mighty rock, my refuge.”

Psalm 89:26 NIV  “He will call out to me, You are my Father, my God, the rock my Savior.”

Psalm 40:2 NIV  “He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He sat my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”

I can go on and on with the many Bible verses about God being our rock in times of trouble.  In Matthew 7:25-27 NIV it says, “The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words and do not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.  The rain came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

Jesus gave us this parable to show how when you put your faith and trust in Him and trouble enters your life, you are already set on a firm foundation.  Now your house will rock, it will creak, and it will sway, but it will not crash; it will still be standing on that Rock, on Him. 

Is your foundation on that glorious Rock?  That Rock does not move and it WON’T be moved.  It’s up to us to stand on that Rock!!  Will you stand on it today?  I sure pray that you do!! 

Lord, I pray that every single one of us stand on that Rock, the One that You provided for us.  I pray that we are able to withstand the gusts of this life because You are our Foundation!!  Thank you Lord for Your sacrifice so that we have that foundation to stand upon.  That Rock will never move or be shaken!!  In Your Precious name I pray Amen!!

The "W" Word

"The  widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and ask God for help."  I Timothy 5:5


As I have met widows and talked with them, the one theme that comes up in conversations is how much the word "widow" is despised.  I always agree with them; the word is awful.  The word to me sounds so lonely and cold.  As a child, I had two great grandmothers that were widows.  In my mind, they were the poster women for that word.  But they fit the word widow to me, they were older and lived alone since their children were grown and had families of their own.

So how did that "W" word become a word associated with me?

I am neither as old as they were or alone in my household.  I have a child living at home with me.  I am not a "poster women" for this word.  I hate filling out forms that ask your martial status.  Checking the widow box on forms hurts my heart.  In my mind I am too young to check that box.  That "W" word brings up emotions of disgust and sadness.  Some might think it's silly for that to happen, but I say to them you must not be a widow.  Only a widow(er) would understand that knife stick in the heart.  It's neither silly or ridiculous.  It can be painful and bring up feelings of sadness.

As I think about that word and how it is attached to me, it doesn't define me, but it is associated with me: I have sat and thought about the women through history that have been widows and not let that word keep them in the shadows.  One such widow was Alexander Hamilton's widow Eliza Hamilton.  My daughter Emily is a huge history lover and she loves Hamilton The Musical.  I learned that Eliza went on to do several extraordinary things in her life after the untimely death of Alexander.  She helped found the Orphan Asylum Society which still exists today and is known as Graham Windham.  She also helped raise money for the construction of the Washington Monument that stands proudly in Washington D.C.  She lived 50 more years and never remarried.  In an article on smithsonianmag.com it says that Eliza and Alexander's son James once complimented his mother's heroic work for poor orphans, and she replied pragmatically, "My Maker has pointed out this duty to me, and has given me the skill and inclination to perform it."  Wow!!!  What a widow warrior she was!! 

I think about the poor widows that endured so much in the past.  History is full of stories of widows and how they went on to do so much good for others.  A lot of them talk about their faith in Christ and how He brought them through their darkest times.  Do you trust God in your darkest times?

I know the word widow is not fun to think about.  I know none of us want that word attached to us.  But did you know that God loves us and we are special to Him?  Do you know that God loves and cares for our children?  Psalm 146:9 NIV says to us, "The Lord watches over the foreigner and sustains the fatherless and widow, but he frustrates the ways of the wicked."  He sees us and knows our hearts.  Psalm 68:4-5 NIV states, "Sing to the God, sing in praise of His name, extol Him who rides on the clouds; rejoice before Him-His name is the Lord.  A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling."   We are special to Him, please never forget that.

Even though we do not care for the word widow, God cares for us.  He sees us for so much more than that word. We are His children and He loves us beyond measure. Psalm 34:18 NIV reminds us, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."  Just know and trust that  He sees us, knows our pain, and lifts us up where we are.   Not only is God for you and fighting for you, but there are so many of us widow warriors that are fighting right beside you also; you are NEVER alone!!

God please hear our hearts when we say we do not like the word widow or like being associated with it.  God I pray for hearts to heal and for lives to be restored as we walk through some of the darkest days of our lives.  Only You Lord can heal our hearts and set us on our paths of healing.  Thank you Lord for being with us and for us.  You are a Mighty and Loving God.  In Your precious Name I pray Amen!!

Treasured Memories

"I thank my God every time I remember you." Philippians 1:3 NIV

Treasured Memories:  We all have them.  Memories that fill your heart with joy and happiness that brings a smile to your face.  Some bring sadness or maybe even anger when you reflect on past experiences.  Either way, we all have them. 

But some memories become treasures; beautiful gems that sparkle in any light.   When you lose loved ones, those memories are priceless.  Memories are something no one can take away from you.  They are yours and only yours.

Do you have precious beautiful memories of your beloved stored away?  Do you share them with others so that your husband's life is still being shared even though he was called Home?  You might not be at that point in your journey, but one day you will.  For me, it helps in sharing special moments I had with Kirk.  I love telling Emily stories about her daddy since she was younger when he passed away and she doesn't remember some of the times we shared.  She enjoys hearing about him, especially stories before she was born.

I'm going to share one with all of you tonight. 

Today, January 23rd, marks the thirtieth anniversary of our first date.  Sad to say, but yes it's been thirty years.  It seems like a different and separate life now.  I was 19, wide eyed and full of life and joy. 

We actually met in November 1987 and would talk about music.  I worked at a convenience store right by my house and he and his family had just moved into a neighborhood right across from the store. He would come in and buy pop, snacks, and rent videos.  I would cash him out and we would talk about bands.  He was an incredible guitar player and played in a band with his best friends.  I finally worked up the nerve to ask him out to a party that a friend of mine was having.  He said he would go and I was so excited.  We went with my cousin and her boyfriend and had a nice evening.  From them on, we were together all the time.  January 23, 1988 was one of the best nights I can remember.  What a treasure that memory has become.  Especially now that Kirk is gone, this memory is a precious commodity to me.

Treasures come in all forms here in this world.  Of course memories are intangible; we cannot set them out on a hearth to be admired by all who enter your house.  However, we all know worldly treasures are wealth, status, careers, and power.  We are warned about putting these treasures above Christ.  Jesus is the ONLY true treasure for our hearts, mind and soul.  We are to put Him above all others and everything of this world.  Matthew 6:19-20 NIV Jesus tells us, "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.  But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal." 

Jesus wants to be the treasure of our hearts.  Matthew 6:21 NIV continues and says, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."  If you put Christ in the center of your life and you treasure Him and His teachings, your life will overflow unto the ones that are close to you.  They will see the character of Jesus flow from your heart; they will see Jesus!!  I can't imagine any better or sweeter treasure than Christ Himself. 

I wanted to share with you what a special day this is for me. I sat and reflected how that one night turned into a wonderful and blessed marriage; and then the two of us turned into a family of three.  I thank God every day that He blessed me with Kirk and Emily.  I am so thankful that we had a blessed nine years of being a family.  I miss and love him so much.  But I know that He is waiting for us.  One day, his wait will be over!!  What a glorious day that will be!!

Lord, thank you so much for the special memories you bless us with.  I treasure them and reflect on them.  Thank you Lord for the True Treasure of our hearts, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ!! What a wonderful and beautiful treasure!! It's in Your precious name I pray, Amen!