The Mirror

The Mirror

 

 

Unrecognizable!!

 

That's how I felt when I looked in the mirror after I lost Kirk  I didn't recognize the woman looking back.  I looked pale and lifeless.  My eyes that were always full of life looked sunken in and sad, no sparkle to be found.  To be honest, I couldn't stand to look at myself because the reality of what life had just thrown me was written all over my face; my eyes told the tale.  Women that were complete strangers would come up to me in public,  pat my hand, and give me a look of first hand knowledge and understanding. 

 

I am sure they were looking into a human mirror of their past of when they experienced the loss of their husbands.  As I talked to other widows, they also experienced the same encounters in public.  Our faces and eyes cannot hide grieving.  It's been said that our eyes are the windows to our souls, and if that be the case then my eyes after losing Kirk were deep, hollow, and dark. 

 

For a couple of years after Kirk passed, I felt like a stranger within myself.  I kept trying to find footing that felt familiar.  I was a wife and a mom and suddenly I was a widow with a child that lost her father.  I had to remind myself daily that this journey was going to be a marathon and not a sprint.  I prayed for direction and ask God to show me the path back to myself.  I cried out to Him to help me stay on the path that was anointed for me and to keep focused. 

 

In Proverbs 3:6 NIV it says, "in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight."  I ask every day for the wisdom to hear His voice and follow the path He has laid before me. 

 

I also found Psalm 23:3 NIV helpful, "He refreshes my soul, He guides me along the right paths for His names sake."  Just knowing that being on the path that He has laid out before me not only leads me toward God, it also  gives me rest and allows my soul to find refreshment so that I can continue my journey with Him. 

 

Since I have been a widow for almost 7 years, one thing that is constant is that life is ever changing.  Life comes at you fast and there are stretches of time that seem relentless.  One thing to always remember is that God never changes.  He is the only one that is constant and never moves off course, never gets distracted, nothing surprises Him.  Psalm 62:6 NIV says, "Truly He is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress; I will not be shaken."  God never moves from us, He never changes. 

 

When your life is shaken, when you lose your footing; look to God for your foundation.  We read in Matthew 7:26 NIV, "The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had it's foundation on the rock." 

 

Storms will come when we least expect them.  Some storms will tear through and try to destroy you.  If you build on the Rock, and trust and have faith that this foundation will not be shaken, you can weather any storm. 

 

It takes time to get through these storms of life.  It will take time to recognize yourself in the mirror.  But I promise that you will get through the storms and the mirror will be welcoming again.  God is with you and loves you.  He will help you and never leave you.  Have faith and trust in God and leave the heavy burdens to Him.  Matthew 11:28-30 NIV, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

 

Lord, I pray for everyone that is heavy in heart.  I pray for everyone that do not recognize the person they are right now.  I pray that You will refresh their souls and give them rest.  Being a widow is such a heavy burden Lord, but we are shown in scriptures that You are for us and love us. Lord I pray that we all feel your presence .  You never move or leave us, but we do move and disconnect and I pray that we stay connected  to You Lord because You alone fill our souls and give us rest.  Thank you Lord!!  It's in Your Precious Name I pray..Amen!!

 

 

 



 

Year of Milestone Dates

"The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?" Proverbs 20:24


Our lives are all marked with milestone dates on the calendar.  We all have celebrated the big birthday numbers, or special anniversary years.  I remember going to several 50th anniversary celebrations for my grandparents and great grandparents.  We just celebrated my parents 50th anniversary this past February.  And of course we can't forget the big birthday celebrations, 16th, 18th, 21st, 30th, 40th....etc. etc.  We have all been to parties to celebrate with those we love and care about.

For the ones that know me and have followed my journey, May, June, and July are the toughest months of the year for me.  We have several birthdays, anniversaries, and angelversaries in these three months.  This year would have been a big year for Kirk and me.  This Thursday, May 17th, we would have celebrated his 50th birthday.  Then on June 12th, we would have celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.  But unfortunately on June 25th, we will mark the 7th year that Kirk went Home suddenly.  These big days are hard to face alone. 

Kirk was a great father, husband, son, brother, uncle, brother-in-law, son-in-law, nephew, grandson, friend, and most of all my best friend.  He worked so hard to provide for the three of us and always made sure everyone had what they needed, and sometimes what we wanted.  He wasn't too sure about having children but once Emily was born, she had him wrapped around her pinky finger.  He loved her with all his heart and always called her his baby girl.  He loved being a mechanic and was one of the best in Indianapolis.  His other love was drag racing.  He helped his uncle build a dragster and got to work on a top alcohol funny car at The US Nationals here in Indy.  He was like a kid on Christmas morning when he got the opportunity.  I was so happy for him and it was so much fun to watch him.  I treasure those memories.

It's hard to fathom that 25 years ago I was planning our wedding.  It seems like a lifetime ago some days, and other days it seems like it was yesterday.  Looking at our pictures now we look like babies.  So young, so full of hope for a lifetime ahead of us.  We were so happy and ready to take on whatever life threw at us.  Little did we know we would never make it to our 25th.  We had just celebrated our 18th two weeks before Kirk died suddenly.  I do feel blessed that we had 18 years of married life together, but feel cheated out of a future we had talked about and planned to have.  But as we find out, we are not in control of our lives.  Our lives can take sharp turns that we were not ready to navigate.  The whiplash fall out is devastating and hard to comprehend. 

And then we start to ask why..why us? Why him? Why?

One thing I have learned is that we may never know or understand the reason that Kirk left us too soon.  In Proverbs 20:24 we read, "The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way."  We will never understand why our loved ones are taken from us so soon or suddenly, but God wasn't surprised.  He knows what will happen, He is already there before we are.  Deuteronomy 31:8 says, "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  The Lord is already there and with us in our pain; in our grief.  He wasn't caught off guard on June 25th, 2011 when Kirk died in an accident.  He was already there, making a way for us to heal and to comfort us. 

It's been a long journey that has tested patience, faith, and trust.  Finding strength to get through some days is exhausting.  As time goes on, those days get farther apart.  You have to give yourself grace and just breathe.  Always remember it's a marathon and not a sprint.

One thing I want to leave you with is something I had heard on a national news channel one Sunday as Emily and I were headed to a soccer game.  I will never get into politics on this blog, but a reporter was talking about Barbara Bush and reporting on her health the day before Mrs. Bush passed away.  She said, "George and Barbara have been married for 73 years. I know that 73 years is a long time to be married.  But it's never long enough."  I sat there and I have to admit I had tears in my eyes.  I thought about how true that statement was.  Even though they had 73 wonderful years of marriage, had the highest of highs in life, and had lowest of lows; 73 years was still not enough.

 I sure do know our 18 years wasn't enough.  But I was so blessed to have dated him for five years and then be his bride for 18 years.  I know God truly blessed me on January 23, 1988 when we went out on our first date, and then on our wedding day June 12, 1993, and then the birth of our beautiful daughter Emily in July of 2001. 

Time is fleeting and it's a precious commodity that we can never get back.  Love while you can, be kind to each other, leave every person you meet better for having spent time with you.  Always remember that today is not enough time and tomorrow is never promised.  And most important, God loves you and He is for you.  He is there in our grief, and He is there in our joy.

Pay tribute to Kirk by just being a good, caring, kind, compassionate person in all you do and say.  Trust God and the rest will work itself out!!

Lord, thank you for blessing each of us with the gift of Kirk.  He touched so many and left holes in our hearts.  Lord I know you are with each of us and you are with us every single minute.  I pray that You comfort each of us in our losses and that we find strength, healing, and peace through You.  It's in Your Precious Name we pray..Amen.

Thank you to each of you for loving us and for praying for us as we continue on our paths.  We sure do feel them each and every day. Love to you all!!!