Seven Years

As I was sitting at my desk this past week, I sat and looked at the sky.  It had rained and stormed off and on a couple of days so it was very overcast.  One day the clouds were trying to lift so the sun peeked through from time to time.  Just when I could see the pretty blue color with the beauty of the sun, dark clouds would cover the scenery.  I could see the jets that were just taking off from the airport and I envied them because once they reach altitude, they get to admire the shades of blue and puffy white clouds.  I was left with the dark and gray overcast.

This scene reminded me of my grief journey.  I have been walking this path for the past 7 years as of tomorrow.  At first the journey for me was all cloudy, dark, and overcast.  I didn't see any blue at all; the sun couldn't pierce through the thickness of my grief.  As time passes, I've been able to see more of the beautiful blue sky.  Don't get me wrong, I still have days and times that storms move in.  I have had  storms that ended up staying longer than what they should have; and they come more times than what  should  be allowed.  I can say with certainty that after they hit me from all sides with gale force winds, torrential rain fall, and pain that takes my breath away; I am still standing.

 By the Grace of God, I am still standing.

Kirk was my best friend.  We met at a little market where I worked in 1987.  We started dating in January 1988.  I knew one day that we would marry, but we did go through some hard times before we finally married June 1993.  We had a couple of small break ups, but one lasted over 4 months.  Those four months were heart breaking.  I felt so lost and alone.  We were suppose to be married in 1992, but instead I was mending my broken heart.  We started talking again right around the time of our first planned wedding and we started dating again.  In August 1992, we were re-engaged and were married that following June.  I look back on that break up and feel that  God was preparing me for this path.  As hard as that break was for me, for him, this journey is a 1000x harder and now I have a daughter that is with me on this path.

It's been seven years since I heard his voice in person.  It's been seven years since I seen his beautiful blue eyes.  It's been seven years since I heard his laugh, seen his tears.  It's been seven years since I heard the words "I love you" from him.  It's been seven years since I have shared my life with my best friend.

I know that one day we will be reunited in Heaven.  I know that God has not left me or forsaken me.  I know God loves me and wants what is best for me, for Emily, for all of us.  I know Kirk is happy in his Heavenly home.  I know that Kirk would want us to be happy and live our lives to the fullest.  I know without God, I would be totally be alone and isolated. 

Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV: "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

Joshua 1:5 NIV: "No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life.  As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave your nor forsake you."

Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you."

2 Samuel 22:29 NIV: "You, Lord, are my lamp; the Lord turns my darkness into light."

Psalm 63:8 NIV, "I cling to you; Your right hand upholds me."

Isaiah 41:10 NIV: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

I have used some of these verses in past blog posts.  They are incredible reminders of God's love for me, for us.  It's easy to feel alone, isolated in your grief.  The best thing you can do for yourself is reach out, seek help, seek others that are on the path ahead of you.  Best of all, we have a benevolent God that loves us, He is a good Father, Wonderful Counselor.  He is always a prayer away, a heart beat away.

As I have written in the past, Kirk's headstone has the following verse engraved on it.  Philippians 1:3 NIV: "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you."  I thank God every day for bringing Kirk into my life in September 1987.  I thank Him for Kirk striking up a conversation with me in November of the same year.  And I thank Him for our first date in January 1988.  I thank Him for our wonderful marriage and blessing us with Emily.  And I thank Him for all the wonderful family and friends that have been with us through this season of our lives.  Make no mistake, each and every one of you have played a vital role in our healing and recovery.  I know we will never fully recover, but with God and His wonderful plan to put each of you in our lives, it makes the healing process a little easier to bear. 

To Kirk:  Until we meet again on that glorious day of our reunion, please know you will always be loved by all of us.  You made us so happy.  You were an incredible father and a wonderful husband and best friend.  Until we meet again!!  We love you so very much!!! 

Silver Anniversary!!

 

 

 

Silver Anniversary!!

 

 



Twenty five years ago on June 12th I married my best friend.  We got engaged in August 1992 and decided on a June wedding that happened June 12th, 1993.  I had so much fun planning my wedding with the help from my family and friends.  It was a long time coming, we dated for 5 years off and on.  We endured a couple of hard break ups and one of them was for a substantial amount of time.  My heart was broke a couple of times while we dated.  When we finally worked everything out and we were engaged, I was so happy.  I felt so lucky to be marrying my best friend.  We were looking forward and excited for our future together.  I was truly blessed to have found Kirk.  He made my heart sing.

 

 

Twenty five years ago I would have never imagined that I would be marking our sliver anniversary without him.  I treasure the memories from the time we got engaged to the very last dance before the end of our reception.  Our wedding and reception was so much fun and I think everyone had a great time.  Precious moments that is engraved on my heart that I will take with me when it's my time to leave this world. 

 

On the front of Kirk's headstone I had engraved:  "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you." Philippians 1:3 NIV.  God truly blessed me when he brought Kirk into my life.  Together we were blessed to have our daughter Emily.  Every day when I wake up one of my first thoughts is that it's another day without Kirk.  But I remind myself how beyond blessed I am to have found someone to love me as much as I loved them. 

 

My advice to those of you that are married is to cherish each and every day you have together.  Each anniversary, treasure that day and remember the reason why you walked down the aisle as single people and moments later you left as one.  For the ones of you that are single, take your time and find that special someone that makes you laugh and brings out the best in you.  And when they bring out the worst, sit and communicate.  Always leave the lines of communication open.  We do not know the number of days each of us have.  And just like our story, your story can end without notice.  So please share, love, celebrate, and enjoy each other.  Life is far too short to make others miserable.  John 13:34 NIV states, "A new command I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another."  God is love and we must love each other and show patience and compassion. 

 

The past 25 years seem like a lifetime ago, but sometimes feels like yesterday.  I cherish each and every second of our wedding day and the festivities that lead up to our special moment.  I miss Kirk and this journey has been rough with twists and turns that come with widowhood.  But I know God is with me and will be with me as I turn to new chapters of my life.  Our lives are seasons that are threaded together.  Ecclesiastes 3:1 NIV says, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:"  In 3:4 it states,"a time to weep and a time to  laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."  Seasons of our life can be hard to endure, but God promises that even though we will have hard times, there will also be times of joy and celebration.  We just have to hold on to God, and have faith and trust that He will lift us out of our dark hours and set us on our path of light.

 

Lord, thank you so much for joining Kirk and me for 18 years of marriage.  Thank you for blessing me with him and then ultimately blessing us with Emily.  Through you Lord we found happiness and joy.  You seen us through some rough times but the joy far outweighs the bad.  You are a good good Father!!  In Your Precious Name I pray Amen!!